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The Tragedy of Prof. St. Peter

I recently finished reading The Professor’s House by Willa Cather. I was on a Willa Cather kick after reading My Antonia while on vacation, and M. gave me two volumes of her writings for my birthday. I have read several other novels of hers about fairly normal people living the not so interesting life they happened to be in; this book was a bit different. It struck me as more tragic than the other stories I had read by her. Life did not always turn out as the people expected, yet they made the most of it, but Prof. St. Peter had a good successful life and then found it to be empty and became apathetic about it, choosing to not draw pleasure from life anymore. It’s like he committed suicide without actually killing himself, but just letting himself live as if he were dead.

In the novel he almost let’s himself die on accident and is saved by the Catholic lady who sews for his daughters and wife. He is intrigued by the way this woman lived. Augusta seemed to have more dreams for herself, but never made it beyond being a seamstress. She was a practical woman, devoted to those she served. On the last page of the book the professor goes through his depressing transformation:
“All the afternoon he had sat there at table where now Augusta was reading, thinking over his life, trying to see where he had made his mistake. Perhaps the mistake was merely an attitude of mind. He had never learned to live without delight. And he would have to learn to, just as in Prohibition country, he supposed he would have to learn to live without sherry. Theoretically he knew that life is possible, may be even pleasant, without joy, without passionate griefs. But it had never occurred to him that he might have to live like that.”

This is where he makes his tragic mistake, he looks to Augusta as an example of living life in this way without delights. For him this is what the Catholic life is like. Cather seems fascinated with Catholicism, but always emphasizes the sacrifices Catholics choose to make seeing them as a rejection of a pleasurable life. This seems to be the wrong view of Catholicism–she misses the beauty of sacramentality entirely. Her writing is very sacramental, but it seems she missed the point of it all–union with God. When one has union with God, it seems that life cannot be without pleasure (esp of the spiritual kind). Prof. St. Peter rejects the possibility of this union by choosing to be apathetic-lukewarm. And this my friends, is a tragedy.

On Some Surprises of Motherhood

One of the things that surprised me the most after the birth of my daughter G., was the amount of time it took for me to recover from giving birth to her and the physical change from being to pregnant to being not pregnant. I will not go into to many details here, but the changes consist of pushing a large head through a small opening with a muscle one does not generally use after spending hours contracting this muscle to get the baby low enough and after the child is born their is a complete change in hormones in the mother’s body. So, anyway, I guess I expected to give birth and be as strong and healthy as I was before delivery. After all I had been taking 30-45 minute walks 4 times a week up through the day I went into labor, and had been jogging until my 6th month of pregnancy. I was healthy and fit, so why couldn’t I pop the baby out and go on with life as usual?

I discovered that there is a reason one does not see a new mom and her baby very often after birth. Part of it is the pediatrician recommends keeping the baby away from people who may be sick for the first 6 weeks. Another reason includes that I was not allowed to drive for 2 weeks after delivery, or even take a walk. Really, all I wanted was have my energy back, and I did not have much energy at all. That was what was most frustrating, was that I wanted to be doing things and going places and was not allowed to and did not have the energy to do so. One might think that I would have been happy to sleep all day with the baby, but I was not.

So, finally about 6-8 weeks after delivery, I started feeling normal again. I understand now why it would be difficult for someone who did not think abortion was wrong to choose to have a baby that they were not expecting. It is a huge life change–even if one gave the baby up for adoption there still is the recovery from the labor. (Also, a postpartum body is never the same as it was before.) I am not saying that I support any decision to take a human life, I just think I have a bit more sympathy for someone who is ignorant of the truth of these matters. Further, it shows me how important it is to have children within the context of a loving marriage of a husband and wife. I depended on M. for many things after the birth of our daughter, even the simplest physical needs like getting something to drink. It does take a family to raise a child; parenthood is not easy. (Though it seems that some dads think it is a lot easier than they were expecting.)

Despite all of the difficulty surrounding bringing a child into the world, I cannot imagine my life differently. Children are such a blessing and a joy! It is amazing to see my daughter learn new things, to see her learn how to roll over, somehow maneuver herself a couple feet across the floor through her squirming, to bond with her as I feed her, to cuddle with her in bed, and to see her smile at me or even the stranger across the room. The funny thing is, now only 16 weeks postpartum, whenever I see a pregnant woman, I really want to be pregnant again–I guess motherhood is just as or even more fulfilling as I thought it would be.

On Living the Catholic Life in the World

Sorry it has been so long. Big changes have happened in my life. The baby was born and it has been a very long transition.

M., G., and I spent the last few weeks traveling around the Midwest to see family, and long car trips make for good conversation as long as the baby is not crying. While we discussed, I started to see more clearly the life I am called to live in the world. Last year I posted about living simply because of our own limited resources, but I am starting to see that the life we have chosen is truly Catholic and even if we had all the money in the world we would still choose to live the way we do—though we might spend more money on food so we could eat finer meals.

The question is, what does it mean to be Catholic in the world today and how does one best live in the world but not conform to the world. “Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:2) It is hard to find the balance between the extremes of entire worldliness and a puritanical lifestyle. For example, I could look at how some people indulge in drinking to extreme drunkenness and lose a sense of the goodness of alcohol. There seems to be goodness in the creature of alcohol that not many people have a sense of in modern America (or even Europe). They drink what M. and I have referred to as “beer substitutes,” which are more like water than beer. And they call it drinking… They also abuse alcohol in other ways by simply drinking too much. I have found that drinking good drinks is enjoyable. It is nice to have at the end of the day, or in the evening with dinner. God made it good, and it can lead us to God. Thus, it would be wrong to entirely reject it. I know some of you are laughing at me now remembering my former views on drinking, and I thank you for helping me come to a better understanding.

Another example of what I am trying to express is the modern understanding of reading. A while ago C. sent me an article about kid’s books about bodily functions to simply get kids to read. It showed me that there is a huge focus on getting kids to read. It does not matter what they read as long as they read. Is there virtue to simply reading no matter what it is? I spent much of my childhood reading books like the Baby-sitter’s club, but I wonder if I would have spent my time just as well playing video games and watching cartoons on television. It does matter what you read. Reading should be for the sake of forming one’s character, leading one to grow in virtue. The great books that are remembered teach people about life and what it means to live well. However, it is not easy to choose to read something that will form character. It is much easier to read a blockbuster novel than something like Les Miserables, but I am certain that Jean Valjean can teach me much more about virtue than whoever is in the other book.

So, what does it mean to live as a Catholic in the world. I am seeking to live a truly sacramental life. This means I must give up certain things the world sees as normal, but not live to such an extreme that others cannot relate to me. I want to live in such a way that leads others to God and makes them wonder what they are missing. One thing I am thankful that I live without is a television. For a year now I have lived without a television in my home, and I do not miss it at all. Whenever I am around television, I am disgusted at the content of the shows and the consumerism present in the commercials. There are certain things I might miss, like speeches and news, but these things I can find on the Internet as well. M. and I will kill your television for you if you would like. While I was pregnant we got in the habit of watching a movie almost every week, and after G. was born we started looking at our movie watching habits, realizing that our reasons for watching them were more and more out of laziness and less and less out of a desire to see a certain good movie. My philosophy of movie watching is similar to that of book-reading. If it is no good and does not lead me closer to God, then it is not worth watching. So we decided to limit our movie watching, and hope that by limiting it to a certain number a month, we can be virtuous in our choice of movie and find the ones worth watching.

Another thing to be careful about is the use of the Internet. It is so easy to get sucked into it and waste time on things that are stupid (such as reading my blog…lol…but seriously I hope this blog does some good for somebody even if it is just me). I know this is a place I need to grow, so I am seeking to become virtuous in my use of the Internet, such as blogging on important things…and using facebook well (is that possible?).

Living a Catholic life in the world calls for finding the good and truth in society, accepting it and allowing it to bring one closer to God, and being careful not to get caught up in the evil in the world. It is an extreme way to live, but it seems to be the right way to live. I know I have not touched on every aspect of life, but this is just the beginning…

Almost There

We are less than two months from the due date. Yesterday I was realizing certain things I will miss about it just being M. and me in our apartment together, but I was also missing things we don’t do anymore since we have been married. It is interesting how transitions change things—I do not mean to be redundant there.

More changed when we got married than us living together and moving. We had and still do have a “newly-wed” dynamic which is different from the crush stage, first dating stage, dating too long to count months anymore stage, and the engaged stage. They all have things about them that I have missed since I have moved on, but also things I am glad I will not experience again. I remember savoring the last few months before the wedding, eager to be married, but happy for the right time to move on. Now I am realizing the need to savor this time full of so much hope and expectation.

We are both really excited for the baby to finally come and to experience this new person beyond the waves it causes on my belly. There is also a special-ness of being a newly married couple in our cozy apartment without anyone there. Pregnancy has not really disrupted that. I think it has helped us learn how to be married in serving each other and realizing we have limits to what we can do for each other.

In just two short months, or even sooner-we can’t really predict-the baby will be here and we will discover new joy in our life together. We will find new ways to serve, new ways to sacrifice, and new ways to grow. We will also learn about what is most important, and what can wait or what we do not need. I am excited but nervous.

On Expectation-Thoughts from Advent

Last month M. and I were discussing why pregnancy is often described as “expecting.” This I probably a more appropriate topic for Advent, but here it is now. I started pondering the idea and realized that there are many expectations I have as a pregnant woman about what the future holds, but I do not think that is the whole answer.

So, during Advent I began thinking about the Blessed Mother and her expectancy of Jesus. Really she did not know what to expect—the angel came to her and she gave her “fiat.” Then she heard about Elizabeth and went to hang out with her for awhile. I wonder what she and Elizabeth talked about together, after the leaping in the womb but also as women. Whenever I talk to another pregnant woman, or even new mothers, we always talk about being pregnant and compare stories of aches, pains, and the stuff we have gotten so far for the baby. Maybe they talked about how to take care of babies, but maybe they also realized that there was something greater than they could ever expect in both of their children. John the Baptist was sanctified in the womb when he recognized his Savior and Elizabeth knew God had chosen him for something great! Mary knew that her son was also God. They must have had great awe when thinking about their children. Dom Gueranger wrote in The Liturgical Year about how Mary must have contemplated her child in the womb and meditated upon who he was. It seems that “expecting” is more than having expectations, but involves wonder at the miracle within oneself.

Now I know that my child is not God and has not been sanctified already, though I have tried to find a way to validly baptize it before birth, but I do relate to the Blessed Mother in her expectation and I pray that my motherhood will at least have some of the grace her motherhood has.

On Food During Pregnancy

Right now I am eating a spoonful of flax seed in 1/2 cup of applesauce with a lot of cinnamon. Why? For the sake of my brain. There are fatty acids called omega-3 which our bodies cannot produce and can only come from one’s diet. When a pregnant or nursing mother does not consume them they are taken from the brain where they are stored. The unborn and nursing child needs lots of these everyday. So I am forcing myself to eat flax seed, which contains these acids, for the sake of my brain and for the baby. The DoZers gave me a box of milled flax seed when I was in Steubenville for homecoming weekend. I started eating it with my grape-nuts in the morning, but learned after about a month that grape-nuts+flaxseed are very difficult for super hungry, pregnant me to eat first thing in the morning. So now I am trying them in applesauce.

Maybe it was just mental, but during the two weeks I was not eating flaxseed I became more absent minded and “spacey”. I really enjoy remembering things I need to remember and being able to think. So now I am going to try eating my flax in applesauce. Yum, yum! If anyone wants to try it, come on over and I will make you a bowlful.

In other news on food. I am also supposed to be eating 75 grams of protein a day, a whole lot of fruits and vegetables, and other things.

My brain is losing focus, I guess the flaxseed is not working yet. I am going to go find some chocolate.

Work, the Economy, and the Baby

I’ve been busier these past couple of weeks than I have been in a while. I finally got a job, which I am very happy with and will hopefully stay at once the baby comes. It is only 10-20 hours a week and generally on the lower end, so I am not working too much, but between that, exercise, house cleaning, cooking, and all the novels I have been reading I have not had much time for anything else.

One thing I have kept up with is my blog and news reading and am officially tired of hearing about the economy and the election. I just want the election to be over and am not affected too much by the economy crisis anyway. I have appreciated the lower gas prices and now lower food prices. Milk went down this week. I know this means someone else is making less money somewhere, but I cannot help but appreciate the break on the budget. I have realized that now is probably the best time in my life for the economy to turn downward. Being fresh out of college we have no investments to lose and cannot start a retirement fund yet. Our budget is perfect for cheaper everything; it was seriously getting ridiculous with how much things were starting to cost. I guess our lifestyle is not really that affected. Also, since the whole crisis started I got a job and our income actually went up a bit.

In other news, I have been feeling the baby a lot and Mark felt it the other night. The kicks are getting bigger. It is nice to know that the baby is still alive and moving every couple of hours, especially with stories I have heard about stillborn babies. This week the baby is supposed to be the length of a banana and can taste my food in the amniotic fluid, which is cool. We have 20 weeks to go, which means I am halfway there! It is very weird to think about being responsible for a tiny infant, but I am glad and pray I will be a good mother and that our baby will be holy and healthy. 🙂

Things I Miss About “Home”

Though I have not resided in the city on a permanent basis since the summer after my first year of college, I did not find myself missing St. Louis and officially mourning the loss of my connection to it in terms of it being home until I moved to Buftalo.

It all started when I began to go through my closet at my parents house to decide what to take with me to Buftalo, what to leave at my parents house and what to throw out or give away. I spent the last three years of college in Steubenville with only a couple weeks in St. Louis in the summer and at Christmastime. The four weeks I lived at home before the wedding were the longest stretch I had spent in St. Louis since the summer before I went to Austria (Fall 2005). I think I am skirting around my point. The point is that as long as all of my stuff besides that which I had at school lived there and that was the address I wrote on every form for my “permanent address,” I still lived there in some sense. I had hoped to live there while M. was in grad school as well, as long as he got into SLU. However, things worked out best for us to come to Buftalo, and as I left for the reception I bid my parent’s house farewell and have not seen it since. I am officially no longer a resident of the St. Louis area, but in many ways St. Louis still resides in me.

Now for the things I miss about St. Louis (I do miss my family as well, but in this post I am dealing with the city). I first noticed a difference in the state of the Catholic Church in Buftalo. Like St. Louis there are practically 20 Churches within 10-15 min of our residence, but unlike St. Louis the diocese itself and the bishop are not exactly favorable to Steubenville-grads calling themselves traditionalists–try finding a job with that classification! There are two Sunday Masses in the Extraordinary form, and we attend the one at a downtown parish. Many “young” families attend as well, but we’ve only found 2 people there our age. My hope of living in St. Louis had been largely influenced by the presence of the Institute of Christ the King at St. Francis De Sales, and I can say that the first thing I miss about St. Louis is the Institute. The second thing I miss about St. Louis is Archbishop Raymond Burke, who as M. pointed out to me is no longer in St. Louis, but I still associate him with my nostalgia. I pray that the pope chooses a good bishop for the diocese. As for this diocese, I just wish we had a bishop that was not unfavorable towards the Extraordinary Form, but I am thankful that we can go to it regularly. Plus, there are so many old beautiful churches being closed down, I just wish the Institute would start an oratory here.

Another category of things I miss about St. Louis: food that you can only get in St. Louis.
1. Ted Drewes Frozen Custard: You have to be from near South City to know the true value of this custard and to know the truth that it cannot be surpassed by any other form of ice cream or frozen custard. At least I can still get it when I visit my parents. 🙂
2. Toasted Ravioli: A St. Louis favorite. Ravioli breaded and deep-fried. I did not realize ravioli was served without the breading and frying until I saw it on a menu in a restaurant. You can buy this at any St. Louis grocery store in the frozen food section, bake it and have it ready in 5 minutes! You can also get it at basically any restaurant in St. Louis, even Applebees. The best is found on the Hill at any local Italian restaurant. My longing for this lead me to make homemade ravioli, bread it and fry and bake some. It turned out really good!
I discovered that at least one restaurant in Buftalo serves “Fried Ravioli” which is basically the same thing. Yay for them!
3. Provel Cheese: A mixture of provolone, white cheddar and swiss cheese. It is delicious. Our caterer for out wedding uses it in his house salad-the last time I had the cheese. It can only be found in St. Louis.
4. St. Louis style-pizza/ Cecil Whitakers: I really want to make this here in Buftalo, but I can’t get provel cheese which I need for it. So, I might make up my own combination of cheeses and try to imitate it.

Other things to miss about St. Louis which I missed before I moved to Buftalo include: the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team, the Arch, the Cathedral Basilica, the trees (Buftalo needs more tall trees)… I am sure there are more. Maybe we will live in or near St. Louis again someday, but for now I can miss certain things about it and look forward to visits there. I am sure our kids will feel affection towards the city as well, as long as we bring them there to visit grandparents often and when there immerse them in the food.

After Three Months of Marriage

I attribute this inspiration to C. and L. Lol…I wonder if this phase will last.

So, many things have changed in my life in the past 5 months: I graduated from college, discovered there are things about Steubenville to miss, got married, got pregnant, moved to a completely new state 2 hours further from my family than Steubenville was, made a new group of friends, finally get to go to the Tridentine Mass every Sunday, tried to find a job, have not got one yet (though this is still developing).

My mom was worried about the possibility of me getting pregnant “right away” (we all knew that I would). She said all of the changes would cause stress that would affect the baby. Maybe that is why it is good that I do not have a job, even though it would be a great help for M. and I on the financial level. We don’t really want to have to depend on Emperor Obama for sustenance over the next four years. I think after I got over the fact that M. is okay with me reading novels all day, making creative dinners, baking for him, me, and the baby every week, keeping the apartment clean, and making new friends while he worked in a factory for six weeks and now spends the whole day with Lady Philosophy and her friends Greek and German, I realized that life in Buftalo is quite enjoyable! The stress is still there on different levels, but God’s grace and blessings are greater than any stress I have had.

Back to my mom (sorry Mom), she was worried about the financial situation of the young newly married couple attempting to survive grad school and be “open to life”. It turns out that most of the young married couples we have become friends with here are in basically the same situation, except the wives have to work as well to meet the basic needs. I see the way I am blessed all the time. I think this situation is that of the young, married, Catholics who will not contracept for five years before having children. And honestly how many of our parents were entirely financially stable when they got married and started having kids? I love you Mom!

I am constantly reminded of how not only did I marry M., but I also married “Lady Poverty.” I guess Lady Poverty and Lady Philosophy are sisters or something. I will only buy meat when it is on sale for 1.99/lb and then I buy it in bulk and freeze it. I’ve made beans are rice. Aldi is my new favorite place to shop and I supplement it with the amazing Wegmans. Besides the technicality of buying things it really has not been that hard to live this way, maybe I adapted to it in Steubenville. Basically the lifestyle M. and I have chosen does not require a lot of extra expenses. Maybe this blog will be an examination of the way we are living and the ideas of an expecting mother.